Last week, I could feel a cold peeking around the corner. You know those people who get ill but somehow keep going? Like their cold is just a tiny bird on their shoulder – there, fluttering, but not enough to stop them? I have never been one of those people.
In the past, a cold would wipe me out for two whole weeks. Eyes barely open, every breath heavy, nose raw, body aching. I’d be miserable. And yes, I’ve heard the comments: “It’s just a cold – it’s not that bad.” The guilt would rush in. I’d question myself. Why can’t I just push through this? But my body always had other ideas.
It took me years to understand how much mental health affects physical health. When your nervous system is already worn down from depression, anxiety or trauma, even a small virus can feel like the final straw. Everything gives way.
There’s a saying that “depressed” can also mean “deep rest”- the body finally saying, enough, we can’t cope, we need to stop. But we usually don’t stop. We fight, because there are bills, children, jobs, responsibilities. Rest feels impossible.
Things only shifted for me when I stopped fighting and actually sat with my depression: “Okay… what are you trying to tell me? I’m listening.” Therapy helped me understand my triggers, the story behind my depression, and just how long my body had been white-knuckling through life.
I also grew up in a home where rest wasn’t okay. Maybe you know that feeling – eyes watching you the moment you sit down, followed by comments like: “What have you even done today?” “Did you do x yet?” Rest was something to be earned, never a right. When you’re already struggling to get dressed or eat breakfast, those comments land like a final blow.
So when clients tell me they feel guilty for not “doing enough,” I understand deeply – because I’ve lived it.
It wasn’t until I tuned out the noise around me and listened to myself that things softened. I began to hear quieter thoughts: “A short walk might feel good.” “This meal is actually nice.” “I think I want a shower.” Slow, gentle, pressure-free. Step by step, my body learned to trust me again.
And yes – our bodies trusting us is a strange idea. But from research, lived experience, and years with clients, I believe depression is often an accumulation of unfelt feelings. When we give them space, they release a little at a time -like drawing water from a well.
Eventually, my body gave back. The day I could get out of bed without racing thoughts holding me down, I celebrated.
So when my cold arrived last week, I sighed -annoyed, human- but then remembered everything I’d learned. I listened. I slept for two days, ate nourishing food, drank ginger tea. By the end of the week I had a small cough, but also something I’d never had after a cold: energy, clarity, and genuine excitement to return to my clients.
It felt important to share that link.
To summarise: listening to our bodies really does loosen their grip – whether it’s a cold or depression. But facing depression alone can feel overwhelming. That’s where I come in. As someone who has been there, and as a trained Counsellor, I can walk with you as we gently lower that bucket into the well and pour it out together.
Is Counselling Confidential? A Surrey Counsellor Explains (with a Sprinkle of Fantasy)
If you’re seeking counselling in Surrey and wondering, “Is counselling actually confidential?” – you’re asking a completely valid and important question. Honestly, it makes total sense. Coming to your first counselling session can feel like entering a mysterious new realm: you might feel nervous, unsure, maybe even carrying emotional armour you’ve built over years. Sharing your story can feel tough, and naturally you’d want to know what your Counsellor does with the things you tell them.
In this blog, I’ll explain how confidentiality works in my practice here in Haslemere and Guildford, Surrey – so if you decide to work with me, you’ll know exactly what to expect. And because life is serious enough already, let’s add a gentle thread of fantasy along the way (since I am a LOTR nerd).
The Beginning of the Journey: Contacting Your Counsellor
Once upon a time, a client (perhaps you?) sends a message asking for their first session. They seek help with something important, and I – your Counsellor – am determined to offer the best support possible as we begin this quest together.
Before we set out, we read through the Therapy Scrolls together (otherwise known as my counselling contract). This enchanted document outlines what we can expect from each other on the journey: things like session structure, cancellations, contact between sessions, and of course – confidentiality.
Once everything is clear, we both sign our names on the parchment and begin.
So… What Happens to What You Tell Me?
As our sessions unfold, I write brief, factual progress notes. These aren’t formal clinical tomes, but small written reminders of what we spoke about, alongside a few observations I make as a practitioner. Think of them like clues I jot down while walking through the forest with you – helpful landmarks so I don’t lose sight of important themes.
Sometimes this includes psycho-jargon (I’ll spare you the spellbook glossary), like attachment patterns or defence mechanisms – things I track quietly in the background so you can focus fully on your story. Slowly, I’ll bring these patterns to your attention – gently shining a lantern on a blind spot – while still letting you lead at your own pace.
Where Are These Notes Kept?
Your notes are stored securely in my home, guarded like secret scrolls in a locked chest. You’re also given a codename (very Bond-meets-Middle-Earth) to keep you further anonymised. No one sees these notes but me.
I keep them safely for around four years (in case you return for future quests), and then they’re destroyed.
The Wizards Behind the Scenes: Supervision
Now, here’s where the fantasy theme becomes absolutely real:
I take your encrypted scrolls once a month to my Supervisor – a fellow therapist who, for the sake of this tale, is very much a wise wizard of the therapeutic realm.
Together, we sit at our metaphorical round table and review how the work is unfolding. We brainstorm routes worth exploring, possible spell-paths to revisit, and ways I can support you even more effectively. My supervisor helps ensure I’m working at my best, pointing out anything I may have missed or highlighting where things are going well.
And the enchantment doesn’t stop there – my supervisor has her own supervisor (another wizard!), whose job is to ensure she is guiding me correctly.
All Therapists have a supervisor – it’s part of our ethical practice and ultimately benefits you. After all, just like you’d expect your mechanic to know cars and your personal trainer to stay fit, it only makes sense that therapists keep developing their skills too.
Peer Supervision: The Council of Fellow Travellers
Once a month, I also meet with a small group of therapist colleagues – a kind of therapeutic adventurers’ guild. We share wisdom, compare notes, and highlight things each of us might have overlooked.
In both supervision and peer supervision, I never reveal your full name or identifiable details. We only discuss the work itself – nothing personal that would point to you. It’s about ensuring I am doing my best for you.
So Is Counselling Confidential?
Yes – completely, except in very rare situations.
Beyond supervision (which is anonymous and ethical), no one hears about our work together. I don’t discuss it with family, friends, or anyone outside those professional circles.
The only time I may have to break confidentiality is if I believe you’re at risk of serious harm and need emergency support – and even then, whenever possible, I’ll talk to you about this first. This may involve speaking to your GP or relevant support services, but this is extremely rare and always handled with care.
Final Thoughts
I hope this has lifted some of the mystery around confidentiality in counselling – especially if you’re considering therapy in Haslemere and Guildford, Surrey or online and want to know your information is safe. It’s absolutely not a silly question. In fact, I welcome questions that help you feel more at ease as we begin this journey together.
If counselling is something you’re thinking about, feel free to get in touch.
I’m here, scroll in hand, whenever you’re ready to begin your story.
If you’re someone who worries about keeping everyone happy at Christmas, I see your efforts. This time of year brings a mix of festive pressure and family expectations that, when combined, can leave you feeling anxious, overwhelmed, and quietly exhausted.
I get it – you want it to be special for the people you love (and tolerate!), and you’ll go to great lengths to make that happen: food shops, wrapping presents, decorating, organising the family’s routine – you want all bases covered, even if that leaves you last on Santa’s list.
Come New Year, you’re exhausted and maybe even disappointed that everyone else seems to experience the magic… except you.
But what if this year things could be different?
In this guide, we’ll look at how to:
Manage Christmas anxiety and expectations in real time
Set gentle boundaries without guilt
Stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s mood
Reduce overwhelm during family dynamics
Feel calmer so you can feel festive too
1. Give Yourself Time to Reset
When we actively make time to slow down, our nervous system responds. Slowing down promotes a feeling of safety in the brain, which helps soothe anxiety.
If you can’t give yourself a full morning, give yourself five minutes before the “show” begins. Then look for moments throughout the day to pause and take short breaks.
This might look like:
taking your time getting dressed
drinking your morning coffee without distraction
opening a window for fresh air
taking in slow, deep breaths as you feel the sun on your face
These tiny pauses help “wipe the slate clean” before you transition into your next task, so your brain doesn’t become overwhelmed.
2. Use Grounding Techniques During Overwhelm
If a moment of overwhelm hits, try this simple 30-second grounding pause:
Inhale through your nose.
Exhale slowly through your mouth, making the exhale slightly longer.
Feel both feet on the ground – notice the texture of your socks, the pressure of your toes in your shoes.
Find five things of the same colour in the room.
Soften your jaw, release your tongue from the roof of your mouth, and lower your shoulders.
Exercises like this bring you back into your body and out of your head.
3. Reduce Emotional Labour Where You Can
Ask yourself:
“Am I doing this because I genuinely want to… or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?”
You do not have to:
buy the perfect gifts
keep every conversation flowing
smooth over family tension
host everything
make Christmas magical for everyone
This might be hard to hear, especially if people have praised you for doing these things in the past. You may feel it’s your responsibility.
If I could say one thing here: you care about the people you love. That is not a bad thing. And if someone you cared about felt this pressure, I’m sure you’d offer them kindness. Perhaps you can offer some of that same kindness to yourself? If that feels like too much, what’s the smallest amount of kindness you can offer to yourself this season? Then build from there.
Feelings like this can be difficult to untangle alone, and this is where counselling can be helpful. I support clients who feel exactly this pressure.
4. Give Yourself Permission Not to Be “On” All the Time
Before entering a gathering, and again when you notice yourself over-extending, try saying:
“I am not responsible for managing everyone’s emotions. I’m allowed to participate without performing.”
Then actively step back. This might look like:
physically leaning back in your chair
giving your eyes a break from eye contact
looking out of a window
taking a quick breather in the bathroom or stepping outside
letting others lead the conversation for a while
You can still be present without taking on the emotional responsibility of hosting the entire room.
5. Choose Your Energy Spend Intentionally
Our energy is a limited resource. When you add anxiety and people-pleasing to the mix, your energy is already discounted.
Try this mini-rule:
One thing you want to do, one thing you need to do, and one thing you’re allowed to skip.
This stops the festive season becoming a marathon of obligations.
If Christmas anxiety or people-pleasing feels difficult to manage, counselling can support you in understanding these patterns and setting boundaries that feel safe and sustainable.
You’re welcome to reach out if you’d like to explore counselling support this Christmas.
Starting something new, especially Counselling, can bring up all sorts of questions. I already know the effort you’ve taken to get to this step: a lot of thinking, searching for the right Counsellor, then reading our websites until you found the one that felt right (thank you for being here and considering me) – I want to make this first step as easy as possible, so below is what it’s like to book a first session with me. If you decide to book, you’ll know exactly how it’ll go – no surprises.
First impressions Firstly — I’m nervous/excited too. I’ll probably laugh awkwardly at myself or stumble over my words at the start, but I’ll always greet you with a smile. It’s a first meeting for me as well, and I want to offer you the best support I can. I care about that, and I don’t mind saying so. (You might find that as sessions progress I’ll share how I feel with you — no ‘blank slate’, cold-stare Freudian Therapist here! I believe in the power of human connection in therapy. You will always be at the centre: I may share how I feel hearing what you’ve experienced, but I won’t tell you what I had for breakfast, don’t worry.)
If you’re coming in-person, I’ll probably meet you at the door – we don’t often have receptionists – and show you to the room. We can shake hands if that feels right, or not, if you’d prefer. You’ll have a choice of two chairs so you can pick the one that feels most comfortable.
Contracting Once we’re settled (and probably covered the weather like the British do), we’ll go through contracting. When you booked, you’ll have received my contract to read and complete before the first session, and I’ll have read the client form you filled in. That form asks a few background questions – for example about family relationships (e.g. “Grandfather: close, passed away”) – which gives me helpful context for future sessions.
I’ll bring up the contract in the session and summarise it for you. If you have any questions or concerns, we’ll discuss them until you’re happy. Our contract is important because it helps us both know what we’re working towards and what to expect from each other, and we can always revisit it later. I aim to make this a quick, simple conversation rather than a mountain of paperwork (because I hate that too!). Completing the contract beforehand also helps me spot if the issue you’re facing is outside my area of practice – if so, I can recommend other Counsellors or services that might be a better fit, to avoid disappointment.
The contract also helps me understand where you are emotionally right now. I’ll ask directly if you are self-harming or having suicidal thoughts and, if needed, we might go through a safety plan and a risk assessment. This isn’t scary – just a few practical things to refer to if you need them. If I believe your life is at risk, I have a duty of care to inform your GP. Sessions can continue with this information recorded so we have it to refer back to.
Getting started Once we’re clear on the contract, we’ll start. You might know exactly where to begin or you might have no idea – either is fine. You don’t need to be prepared or express yourself perfectly – just come as you are and we’ll find the way together.
If you’re unsure, I’ll ask some gentle questions about how life is for you right now and how your concerns are affecting you. I may also ask about what your childhood was like so we can see whether the past might be playing a part.
This is your time to talk about what matters to you, and it’s also a chance to see what I’m like as a Therapist. You’ll see how I reflect, paraphrase, listen and try to understand and be with you in what you feel. You’ll start to get a sense of whether I’m the right therapist for you – someone you feel you can trust to join you on the journey towards being more of the person you want to be.
Sessions are 50 minutes. I’ll give you a gentle reminder as we come to an end. I’ll ask whether you’d like to continue with me and if that decision feels too big in the moment, that’s absolutely fine. I’ll send a text two days later to check in.
At the end I’ll walk you to the door and say goodbye. 🙂
The best part about your first session being free is that if you feel I’m not the right fit, you leave with a clearer sense of what you’re looking for – with no loss. I understand wanting to dip your toes in before committing, so I’m happy for our first session to be free.
If you decide we’re a good fit – either in the session or by text afterwards – I’ll be looking forward to working with you. We’ll agree a regular day and time when we see each other, and away we go.
Questions are always welcome and safe to explore. Please feel free to look around the rest of my website or get in touch today – let’s bring you one step closer to where you want to be.
When Monday’s work and responsibilities peek around the corner on Sunday night – many people feel anxious and unable to relax.
Friday night – perfection.
Saturday – just as fun, but Sunday?
Sunday comes with a ticking clock.
With each passing hour, it brings you closer to what you dread. Your body responds as though you are being stalked by Jaws – the music growing louder in your head as you hit the pillow. It’s coming – you cannot avoid it any longer. Monday. And with it, an entire week to do it all again.
This is what so many of us know as the Sunday Scaries (or Sunday night anxiety). It feels hard, overwhelming, and sometimes impossible – but it doesn’t have to be.
Here are 4 quick and easy tips to help manage your Sunday Scaries and soften the transition into a calmer, more grounded Monday.
Make a Monday Kit
One of the best ways to ease Sunday night anxiety is to create a Monday Kit. Ideally do this on Friday, or if not, on Saturday – so that by Sunday, you already feel organized for the week ahead.
A Monday Kit is essentially everything you need for a smooth start:
Bag packed
Clothes picked out
A to-do list with your top 3 priorities for the week
By doing this, you give yourself peace of mind and free up your Sunday for rest. Come Monday, you’re crystal clear, ready to go, and much less anxious.
Tidy Your Nest
A busy mind often fuels Sunday Scaries. One simple way to ease that mental noise is to give your brain small, manageable tasks it can control. This helps release dopamine – the feel-good hormone – while also clearing your space and your head.
Think of those “itty bitty” tasks that constantly nag you during the week. For example, my Tupperware drawer seems to attack me every time I open it – tiny pots, jars, and containers raining down like chaos. But when I take the time on Sunday to tidy it, it feels like a love letter to my future self. When Monday-me opens the drawer, she exhales – one less thing on her plate.
Other calming “nest-tidying” activities include:
Meal prepping
Folding laundry
Organizing a cluttered drawer
If you do them in silence, they become mindful activities. Notice the sound of sizzling pans, the texture of fabrics, or the rhythm of folding. This gives your brain a break from constant stimulation. That said, if silence feels difficult, there’s no shame in putting on a podcast or cosy TV show – the key is doing it with presence and care.
Movement and Sleep
Anxiety is like electricity – it wants to move. If we don’t channel it, it can spiral inward and overwhelm us. Movement is one of the most effective remedies for Sunday night anxiety.
This doesn’t mean you need a perfect workout routine. Movement can look different depending on your energy:
A run, swim, or tennis match with friends
Gentle yoga or stretching
A calming evening walk
The point is simply to move your body in a way that feels doable that day.
Equally important is sleep. Research shows that irregular or poor sleep impacts our mental health and spikes cortisol, the stress hormone. While the weekend often tempts us to stay up late, prioritizing rest on Sunday night makes a huge difference for Monday anxiety. Think of it as giving your brain and body the gift of recovery.
Make Monday Special
This is my favourite tip for managing the Sunday Scaries: give yourself something to look forward to on Mondays.
Mondays don’t have to only mean stress and responsibility – they can also hold small, joyful rituals. For example:
Listen to your favourite podcast only on your commute
Treat yourself to your favourite coffee or a special lunch
Read a chapter of a novel on your break
Do a quick creative hobby like sketching, crochet, or journaling
Have lunch in a favourite spot with a view or cozy atmosphere
By sprinkling your week with meaningful, enjoyable moments, you prevent weekends from being your only safe haven. Instead, you weave in little reminders of who you are and what you love – even during the bustle of work and responsibilities.
Final Thoughts: Sunday Scaries and Support
The Sunday Scaries are incredibly common, and these tips can really help ease them. That said, if your Sunday night anxiety feels intense, overwhelming, or persistent, it may be a sign of deeper stress or burnout.
Therapy can help you understand and work through the root of your anxiety so that Sundays – and Mondays – no longer feel so heavy.
👉 If you’re struggling with Sunday Scaries and want support, I help clients with exactly this. Get in touch today to find out how we can work together to make your week feel lighter, calmer, and more manageable.
What to do when a small mistake feels like a big disaster
“We all make mistakes” is a commonly used phrase – but for some of us, it doesn’t ring true. Because if everyone made mistakes and it really was okay, why does it feel so awful when you make one?
You know the feeling:
A sudden jolt of panic.
Your heart sinks.
Your breath quickens.
Your brain spirals through worst-case scenarios:
My colleagues already have too much on their plates. Now they have to deal with my mistake. They’re going to hate me.
This is such a stupid error. Maybe everyone will realise I’m not actually good at my job.
What if my boss is done with my slip-ups and fires me?
These thoughts can come rapidly, no matter how big or small the mistake actually is. And if you struggle with Perfectionism, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) or Imposter Syndrome, the anxiety can feel completely overwhelming.
Why Do Some People Struggle So Much with Mistakes?
The truth is, if your nervous system learned early on that making mistakes led to criticism, rejection, or punishment – whether from a parent, teacher, or former employer – it now sees errors as danger.
This can lead to disproportionate anxiety over even minor slip-ups, sometimes resulting in:
Panic attacks
Crying in the office bathroom
Avoidance behaviours like procrastination or job-hopping
Over-working to avoid future mistakes (which often leads to burnout)
Step 1: Help Your Body Feel Safe Before You Respond
The first step isn’t to fix the mistake – it’s to regulate your nervous system.
I know – a voice inside you is telling you there is no time and you need to move quick. But acting whilst anxiety is in the driving seat won’t help, in fact it’ll increase your chances for more errors, over-apologising or rushing decisions that you later regret.
So unless someone’s life is in danger, you can tell that voice it can wait five minutes while you calm your body down.
Try this grounding technique:
Breathe slowly and deeply. Focus on pushing your stomach out as you inhale to breathe from your belly rather than your chest.
Move or look around. If you can, step away from your desk or glance out the window.
Use your senses.
Feel the warmth of your coffee cup.
Notice the steam, the swirls in the milk.
Count how many blue items you can see.
Listen – what sounds are inside the room vs outside?
Feel your chair beneath you or your feet in your shoes.
Grounding helps your brain shift from panic to presence – creating the space you need to think clearly.
Step 2: Talk to Your Anxious Inner Voice
Once you feel more settled, it’s time to talk to the part of you that’s panicking.
See it as separate from you – like a scared child that needs reassurance, not rejection. This can feel like a strange concept at first, exploring it in therapy can be helpful if you think you’ll struggle to disconnect from your anxious identity.
You can be both anxious and calm. Let the calm version of you take the lead and listen to what that anxious part is afraid of.
Often, the fear isn’t just about the mistake – it’s about what you believe the mistake means.
“I’ve made a mistake and now everyone will hate me.” For example.
Does that sound entirely true now that you’re calmer?
Think about others you’ve worked with. When they made mistakes, did you hate them? Did one mistake erase all the good things they’ve done?
Probably not.
Try responding to yourself with this:
“I recognise that a part of me is afraid others will hate me for this mistake, but I also know that doesn’t necessarily make it true.”
This kind of compassionate self-talk helps rewire your response over time.
Step 3: Take Responsibility (From a Grounded Place)
Once you’ve grounded yourself and spoken kindly to your anxious mind, then it’s time to take action.
Speak to your manager or colleague. Let them know what happened – and be honest about how you’re feeling. If your anxiety has completely gone – great! But if it’s still left pieces of it – that’s okay. You can voice that.
For example:
“I made a mistake, I’m really sorry, and I’m feeling a bit anxious about it.”
This kind of transparency often fosters understanding, not judgment. By responding calmly and taking responsibility, you show self-awareness, maturity, and a willingness to learn which others will respect.
When we experience more positive/neutral reactions from others when we make mistakes – this is all helpful to remember so our anxiety can soften over time. Which is why – though it’s hard at first, we must expose ourselves to owning our errors and inviting others like colleagues and bosses to our experience post-mistake. If the thought of that feels too overwhelming – having the support of a Counsellor can be a big help. I help client with this issue all of the time, you can find out more about how I work here.
Step 4: Reflect and Reframe the Experience
After the situation is addressed, take a moment to reflect:
How did this mistake feel compared to past ones?
How did others respond to your honesty?
Did it go as badly as your anxious brain imagined?
This is how you start building new experiences – ones where mistakes don’t result in rejection or punishment, but in growth and support.
The more evidence your brain collects that mistakes are survivable, the more resilient you become.
Final Thoughts: You Can Rewrite the Story
You might have an anxious response because your past taught you that mistakes weren’t safe.
But now, you get to write a new narrative. One where:
Mistakes are normal
You don’t need to punish yourself to be better
You can respond with calm, compassion, and clarity
This is where Counselling can be incredibly helpful. Doing this alone when you have been believing that mistakes are not okay can feel like a lot to unlearn. Having a trained therapist who can support you and help you rewrite your narrative can lead to a happier and calmer life. I help clients with exactly this and would love to support you as well. Contact me today to find out more.
Mistakes are okay – you are okay. I want to help you to believe it too.
Feeling deeply can feel like such a curse sometimes.
For those who don’t get it, they might tell you to “shrug it off” or “just stop taking things so personally” – but we know it’s not that simple.
Let me guess – someone makes a passing comment or gives you an “odd” look, and any of these might follow:
Your stomach feels like it’s been punched
Your face flushes red
Your heart starts pounding
Your mind either goes blank or floods with thoughts
You might tear up
Your voice disappears or goes high-pitched
Your body stiffens or becomes fidgety
And then people notice, and that sinking feeling sets in: “They’re judging me.” “They think I’m weird.” “They don’t understand me.” “Why can’t I just be normal?”
Even though you’d love to disappear on the spot, it feels like your reactions take over, dragging you centre stage – which only makes you feel worse.
Then comes the self-talk. The mental replay. The inability to let it go.
Sound familiar?
I promise there’s nothing wrong with you.
There are ways to manage these feelings (without ‘toughening up’), so you can start to feel more in control in the moment and more at peace with yourself.
Why We Take Things So Personally
It’s not because you’re too sensitive – really.
You’re not overreacting or being dramatic – there’s usually a very good reason this kind of thing hits so hard.
If you grew up around a lot of criticism, you probably learnt to listen out for the negative: reading between the lines of people’s expressions, body language, tone of voice… all while assuming the worst. Why? Because if you could just catch what was “wrong” quickly, maybe you had a better chance of fixing it – bypassing the rejection or conflict.
Maybe you learnt that being liked meant being perfect? That making a mistake led to someone pulling away? Maybe it was always down to you to repair things.
So now, even a passing comment or a funny look presses the same internal alarm: you’ve done something wrong, even when you haven’t.
Add low self-esteem into the mix and things feel even more intense.
When we doubt our worth, it’s easy to take every uncomfortable interaction as proof we’re not good enough.
But taking things personally often comes from caring deeply — not from being “too much.” Maybe, once, you had to shrink yourself to keep the peace. But you don’t have to do that anymore.
So, What Can You Try Instead?
Pause and Check In With Yourself
Being with your feelings, rather than pushing them down, helps them move through more easily:
What emotion just came up? Try naming it – give it a title, a texture, even a colour.
What did I just assume?
Reality Check (vs. Story Check)
Ask yourself:
Is this fact or Anxiety talking?
What else could be true here?
Am I emotional filtering or mind-reading right now? (More on that in my other blogs.)
Practice Self-Compassion Instead of Self-Blame
If you notice yourself slipping into self-blame, say: “I’m noticing I really want to talk badly to myself right now.” The word noticing helps create distance between you and the thought.
Speak to yourself like you would a friend – gently and kindly.
Try this: “It makes sense that hurt – but I can let it go, because it’s probably not about me.”
Is This Actually About Them — Not You?
Not everyone’s reaction is a reflects who you are, or what you’ve done.
This one’s tough, I know. I write more about it in depth [here].
People have complicated lives, just like you. Sometimes, their big feelings bleed into places they don’t mean to – and you might get caught in the splash.
You can’t control someone else’s emotional regulation (no matter how much you might want to), but you can control how you respond.
Try using go-to phrases to say to yourself in triggering moments, like:
“Other people’s moods, defensiveness or tone are often about their own stuff – not me.”
“I am not responsible for managing other people’s emotions.”
“If I’ve upset someone, it’s their job to tell me.”
Let others be responsible for their own feelings. It’s not your burden to carry.
A Note for Sensitive Souls
If you feel things deeply, it’s not a weakness – it’s part of what makes you kind, thoughtful, and intuitive.
I’m sure there are people in your life who appreciate those parts of you – you can appreciate them too. You don’t have to ‘harden up’ or carry the weight of everyone else’s feelings to protect yourself.
You deserve to feel lighter in your day-to-day life, and to recognise how much goodness your sensitivity brings.
Closing & Gentle Next Step
Next time you notice yourself taking something personally, pause and ask: “Is this really about me?”
And if this feels like a lot to hold on your own – I support sensitive clients just like you to find balance, strength, and self-trust in everyday life, so taking things personally can become a thing of the past. If you’re ready for deeper support, I’d love to help – feel free to reach out or explore the rest of my blogs where I share tips on sensitive living.
Lastly – from one sensitive bean to another – we’ve got this.
If you’ve ever typed that sentence and felt a sinking feeling in your stomach, you’re not alone. I’ve been there too.
Whether you’re Neurodivergent (living with ADHD, autism, or both), juggling mental health challenges, or simply trying to survive the everyday chaos of life, delayed replies can feel like relationship sabotage. You hit “send,” but the guilt lingers. Will they think I don’t care? Did I just ruin this friendship? Am I a bad friend?
The pressure to always be available is a modern stressor many of us are quietly suffering under. With smartphones in our pockets and messaging apps pinging 24/7, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing your friends if you don’t reply immediately. And for people with ADHD or autism, executive dysfunction, emotional overwhelm, and social fatigue can make consistent communication even harder.
Why Late Replies Feel So Personal (But Often Aren’t)
We live in an era of “instant everything.” The rise of social media and messaging has blurred the boundaries between personal time and social obligation. The expectation to be “always on” – responsive, available, and thoughtful – is heavy, especially if you’re already managing sensory overload, emotional burnout, or simply trying to make it through the day.
Phrases like “If they wanted to, they would” or “People make time for what matters” might sound wise, but they can be incredibly painful for people with good intentions and limited capacity. Sometimes, not replying doesn’t mean you don’t care – it just means you’re at capacity.
The Invisible Load of Neurodivergence and Social Communication
For many autistic and ADHD adults, maintaining friendships isn’t about love or loyalty – it’s about energy. Responding to a message can require more mental effort than others realize. There’s decision fatigue, fear of saying the wrong thing, or simply forgetting in the whirlwind of daily tasks. And when you finally remember, shame can creep in and delay the response even more.
You’re not ghosting. You’re not ignoring anyone. You’re just overwhelmed.
Real Friendship Isn’t Measured in Message Times
The truth is: strong friendships aren’t built on fast replies. They’re built on understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. Some of the best friendships are the ones where weeks or even months can pass, but the connection remains strong. Where catching up feels easy, not filled with guilt or explanations.
It’s okay to need time. It’s okay to be human.
What helps is honest communication. Letting friends know: “I care about you. I might not always reply quickly, but I’m always thinking of you.” Sometimes, setting clear boundaries (like, “I prefer meeting up rather than texting”) can help you maintain connection on your own terms.
When You Feel Hurt by Silence – Or When You Cause It
If you’re on the other side – feeling ignored or hurt by a delayed message – your feelings are valid too. Silence can sting, especially when we interpret it as rejection. But remember: most delays aren’t personal. They’re circumstantial.
The need to feel valued is universal. And sometimes, both people in the conversation just want reassurance that the bond still matters – even if messages are few and far between.
Friendship in the Digital Age Requires Compassion
If technology has made us more connected than ever, it’s also made us more anxious. The expectation to always show up – immediately, thoughtfully, perfectly – isn’t realistic. Especially if you’re neurodivergent, overwhelmed, or struggling.
So let’s create space for slow friendships. For friendships that bend, not break. For messages that come late, but still come from the heart.
You’re not a bad friend – you’re just a person with a full plate and a full heart.
Need Support Navigating Friendships or Neurodivergent Communication?
If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure how to repair or maintain your relationships – especially if you’re living with ADHD or autism – therapy can help. Together, we can explore how to create stronger, more sustainable connections without burning out.
In the beginning, I hovered over my plants impatiently. Working hard to create the perfect, beautiful garden I had dreamt of.
Then it happened – the first plant began to die.
I felt as though my chest was about to cave in with the pain of getting it wrong. The feeling growing louder and more vicious when those around me would see it too.
For some – this feels like an extreme reaction. For fellow perfectionists, you have an idea of the discomfort I mean, don’t you?
This is because perfectionism ties our own self-worth to how “perfect” our lives appear. Maybe you can’t leave the house without makeup, or you don’t share responsibilities at work because you believe no one else will do things the “right” way. In my case, my thoughts could be roughly translated as:
“My plant has died > I’m a useless gardener > I am useless”
Perfectionism often comes from childhood praise for doing well and harsh criticism, neglect, or abuse when things went wrong. When mistakes happen, especially in front of others, it can feel overwhelmingly shameful – so we force ourselves to appear perfect always.
A swan floating gently down the river but paddling madly underneath.
When my plant died, I tried desperately to fix it, but the more I tried, the worse it got. I eventually stopped visiting my garden, avoiding the failure. When I returned however, I saw new growth.
Nature had flourished in the space I gave it by stepping back and letting go. So, I decided to only tend to my plants once a week. Over time, they began to bloom in gratitude.
I saw first hand what could happen when I stopped trying to control the outcome, so now when a plant is unhappy, I simply ask, “What can I do?” and do what I can and then let go, trusting that nature will take its course – whether that means the plant dies or grows stronger. There is now an acceptance of either outcome.
Sometimes, a dead tree becomes a home for wildlife, and dead leaves nourish new growth. Life works like that too – when something ends, new things grow in its place. With that in mind, failures are starting to feel less heavy for me. Understanding that they’re not only acceptable, but also essential nourishment for what can come after.
So now when a plant dies in my garden, instead of being riddled with anxiety and grief – I just accept it for what it is – I even get excited for the space, knowing I can now grow something new.
I’ve taken this lesson in my everyday life – when a project fails, when a friendship ends, or when I feel in pain – a mantra now whispers: “I wonder what will now grow from this space that has been made?”
If you struggle with perfectionism, working with a counsellor can help you find peace and ease in life. I understand how difficult it can be and would love to help. Reach out today for a session.
You know what is good for you: going for walks, eating right, seeing friends but what happens when you reach 0% and self-care itself feels like a chore?
A hand reaches out of the dark ocean of depression asking for help
As someone who has struggled with depression, I know when these days come after a few good days, weeks even months we can feel like a complete failure. All the progress we made before feels like it has just been erased. We are sat opposite our medicine and cannot understand why our mind or body won’t let us reach out and do the things that can help us feel better.
The confusion can become self-hatred, as we feel out of control, stupid, maybe even selfish. With those around us maybe also feeling impatient – to both them, and ourselves, it feels like we’re not even trying.
When you’re already facing what feels like the impossible, the hand that reaches out to help, should be a hand we can hold even with a weak grip. There is so much “self-care” out there which is just simply not attainable for depressed people to partake in, to that I say – enough. Today I will list some bite size self-care techniques, so you’re able to show up for yourself even on your worst days.
1. Compassion, Acceptance and Curiosity
The biggest hurdle but nothing else below can be done without this step. This is when you are faced with the realisation that you are no longer “in control” (or at least it feels like it). When you know that this day is not going to go how you would like. Usually, our next thoughts are all the tasks we need to do, the people we need to show up for… a mountain starts to grow in front of you.
Stop. Take a breath. Take 3, take 8. Take as many as you need. You can do this through a guided meditation or on your own. Calming your nervous system is important – like filling your car with petrol, you won’t move without it.
Once you find yourself still and somewhat steady – picture your mind or your child self in front of you. Whichever one is more comfortable for you. With children – we see them act out all the time. We can feel frustrated with them, but we understand it’s because they are overwhelmed, overstimulated or not feeling heard – as adults, we now have the power to listen and give ourselves what we need.
That is a huge part of what depression is – your mind and body demanding your attention. So, let’s give it attention! Either say to yourself verbally or mentally, even if in the beginning you don’t believe the words: “I’m sorry, I’m here now. What is it you need? Let’s work together.” And repeat this to yourself throughout the day whenever you feel resistance to a task or feel tempted to give in to negative self-talk.
Overtime, as you ask this question more often, you’ll develop a listening ear to hear what you need. You’ll hear things like: “I need water. I need movement. I need to play” and as you develop trust with your mind and body when you provide it with with what it asks – it will be more responsive to you and depressive episodes will happen less often.
All because instead of greeting it with judgement (which only makes it dig its heels in), you open your arms with compassion, acceptance, and curiosity.
2. Fresh Air
Note I’ve said Fresh Air – not a walk. Because this is again, a list for your impossibly down days. A walk is something to strive for, but if this isn’t possible for you – simply open your window and rest next to it. Taking purposeful breaths, feeling the wind on your skin, looking at the view outside – even if it’s more brick and cement. Let your eyes wander and be curious.
Check in with yourself, can you do a bit more? Think of it like a video game with saving points – the next point is your room’s door. Reached that? Great. The next maybe is your front door. There? Fab! Maybe here you feel resistance again – that’s okay. Breathe in compassion again. Maybe today it’s just your front door, but tomorrow you could go as far as your front garden? The day after the entrance to the park, then the next day your garden again – there is no set order. But as long as you’re having that conversation with yourself and feel fresh air – you are doing the work.
3. Nourishing Food
I admit this one requires a little bit of homework during your better days – food when you’re feeling down can be a very daunting task. It requires mental energy to plan what you’re eating that week, plus budgeting, diets, if you’re cooking for other people – it’s a lot! So, to look after yourself on your worst days – have the homework already laid out for you to follow, to take away the mental strain.
If you’re comfortable; talk to friends, family or even your counsellor about creating a meal plan together. This is called “body-doubling” and it’s amazing what having another person’s energy with you can do.
Create a simple meal plan (including vitamins and supplements) for the week, with staples that you’ll almost always have around the house that require minimal preparation. Be realistic – there may be days where you’re the next Gordon Ramsey, but there will certainly be days where you’ll be tempted to choose convenience over quality – so let’s make it convenient. Dark leafy greens, fish, eggs, nuts, dark chocolate are some great examples of foods that help promote feel-good hormones.
4. Connection and Community
Despite what your anxiety and depression may tell you, we are social creatures at the end of the day. We crave connection with other humans, and if we find ourselves lacking in this area it can be very impactful on our mental health. The worst thing is that when we are down – we feel this need to retreat and be further alone.
If you think of your mind telling you: “I am scared of what people may think of me, what if they judge me or I make a fool of myself or they see I’m struggling.” When you give in and stay home – you have proved your mind right; that all it’s worst fears are the reality. Which is why its so important to keep your foot on the pedal with your connections to prove it wrong.
Seeing friends doesn’t have to be a big thing – offer them to come to yours for coffee, maybe do a movie night, or go out to the cinema or a meal if that feels possible for you. You can even facetime and talk that way. Hopefully, you’ll get to a point where you can explain your fears so your friends are aware and can check in on you too.
In terms of meeting new connections – think purposefully on what type of person you’d like to be friends with – are they arty? Sporty? A Gamer? Then think about where you would meet people like this – online forums can be a great place to meet people so long as you using it safely.
For the days when you are braver, plan to go to places they’re likely to be – art students go to museums to draw, you can join a sports team or join a multiplayer-verse online game. You can even volunteer for causes you care about and meet people that way. This may be impossible today, but you can make a plan for when you’re ready to try. Your friends are out there, and they cannot wait to meet you!
5. Movement
We all know how important exercise is – but with depression, it can feel like your body is in cement and any type of movement is either impossible or feels painful. Social media doesn’t help as it is particularly bad with selling the pro-gym high-intensity life-style – which is great, but we forget there are many types of exercise out there. If the gym isn’t for you – you have other options.
Find one that either creates a sense of mindfulness or enjoyment for you so you’re more likely to keep going with it – it could be yoga, running, swimming, rock-climbing, or dancing as some examples.
If you’re being honest and know you’re not likely to turn up to work-out classes by relying on your own self-determination – tie it in with seeing a friend. So, you feel more obliged to turn up for them. YouTube is also a great place for online workout routines to follow at home as well.
When you’re really feeling that resistance – put your headphones on and listen to some of your favourite high energy songs. Soon you’ll find yourself up and moving – I like to tie my movement in with my chores – two birds one stone. So, I’m dancing to Ariana Grande whilst running from one room to the next with the hoover!
6. Play
Finally, play – almost always you will be faced with a negative, criticising voice in your head that says to you you should be doing work or tending to your other responsibilities and not playing or relaxing. It brings resistance, insecurity, even anxiety about the prospect of even starting something fun in case you get it wrong.
The reality of it all is – we are born on this earth to experience life. Part of experiencing life is having fun – you are allowed to have fun, in fact, you need it to survive. When we only do our responsibilities and leave no time or energy to feed our wonder, curiosity, and joy – naturally our body rebels in frustration, screaming: “If you won’t let me have fun then we won’t work either!” Everything suffers. So please, reframe your thinking of fun from pointless or a waste of time, to productive and part of the oil that keeps everything moving.
Give yourself time, whether that’s 5 minutes in the beginning or 15 or an hour, which you properly name as “Play Time” – where you purposefully do something fun. Maybe you have a book idea you’ve been sitting on, or maybe you want to give gardening a go or knitting, painting or even colouring. A creative outlet where you are present with yourself, seeing something be born from your creativity can bring so much joy.
Note – I haven’t included books or TV – as that is passive escapism. There is a space for these too, but hobbies in which you play more of a direct part in its creation have been proven to have more of an positive impact on our mental health.
Summary
To summarise: listen to your body, be kind, get fresh air, eat well, see friends, and play. If you can do a few of these things during your down days, you’ll most likely feel some kind of change, even if it’s just a whisper. A whisper can turn into a song, if repeated enough times. I believe in you and thank you for being with me and reaching the end. If you suffer with depression and/or anxiety and feel in need of a Counsellor to help support you, contact me today – let’s make the impossible, possible.
